There's a booming voice in my head 24/7 that is yelling at me to FREE UP! LET GO! And that voice is right. I'm always worried my art is not great and that my peers will not like what I create. But I know that I should, instead, be making art for MYSELF and not for anyone else. I'm great at preaching this to others but I'm just now realizing I'm not giving myself permission to really create. To really lose myself in what I wanna do. I haven't even told my Ma I have a blog because I fear she will say, "uh-uh - too damned crafty! DO...YOUR...ART!" And maybe she's right. Maybe I'm afraid the art in my head will not be acceptable. Maybe I play it safe by holding myself back.I never really thought this could be true about ME until I joined Suzi Blu's Mixed Media group and as I read comments others had added, I realized I wasn't commenting myself. And I think it's because I'm afraid of failure. Failure of anything. I am very hard on myself. I know most people are, but I am REALLY hard on myself. I believe it stems from my uniquely twisted and abused childhood. I know it was a long time ago and that the monster can no longer get me and that it's time to face my REAL issues so that I can be free to enjoy my life to the fullest. And believe me, I have more issues than Sports Illustrated! But for the first time, I feel like the lightbulb has gone off and that I can change myself. The past is the past and I cannot change it. It was not my fault. But if I do not change my future, that IS my fault.
From this moment forward, I will make better choices. I will be brave and change the things I don't like about myself. I will stop making excuses. I will start living and not simply coasting through. Every night, as I lie in bed next to the man I truly love with all that I am, I will ask myself these things: If I die in my sleep tonight, have I done all I can to let my loved ones really KNOW what they meant to me? Did I do all I could to make their days better? Did I take the time? What would I leave behind if there is no tomorrow for me?" Right now, my answers would only make me cry with shame and regret. But I will make the changes. Now.
I hope you are not holding yourself back from life, my friends. Don't fool yourself with a false answer. Stop and take the time to really live. This ain't no rehearsal. And there DEFinitely won't be any "do-overs"! Think about it.
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4 comments:
Hi Debmarie :) I hear that voice too! When I was painting it was the one thing I wanted to do, loosen up and let go. I think I am achieving some of that now in the artwork I am doing. FAT has helped me widen my horizons and even though I'm not joining in as much as I was I am travelling a wonderful road making art for myself. Not just art art but crafting too and making things, even sewing! You are right, make art for yourself. Acclaim and approval are nice but it is more important for your art to speak to you )
You are brave to stand up here and be so open and I'm sure your new journey will be wonderful, confident and self fulfilled. (Don't be too hard on yourself, if you have a wonderful man then you are a wonderful woman. Believe it, it's true).
Hope I haven't gone on too much- :)
I applaud you for being so open and honest with your feelings, Debmarie. Wonderful words to ponder.
On another note, even though I only recently discovered your blog (thru' my giveaway), I am enjoying it so much that I have just named you on my blog for a blogger award. If you would like to receive it, visit my blog for the details.
This is a universal problem most artistic people have I think...Acknowledging it helps us to understand that it is in our head not in our heart...GO WITH YOUR HEART!!!!
Artfully Yours,
Pattie
I'm also hard on myself due to a mother and step-dad who were NEVER pleased with what I did growing up. If I got a B in a class, then it should've been an A, and if I got an A, then it should've been an A+!! So I tend to be very self-critical...but Suzi's class has helped me to loosen up a lot, plus I had started drawing girls in my own style before I took her class, and I was very pleased with those.
I guess we're our own worst critic!
I identify with you in that I made some bad life choices in the past, but for 16 years now have been married to AN ANGEL of a man (one in a trillion, I promise!) and have led a mature, steady lifestyle. The only things that have gone wrong are my health and my daughter's untreated bipolar disorder and just plain meanness!
I wish you'd email me sometime. It's button.lady@comcast.net
Hugs!
Beth
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